WRITTEN BY CHUCK BARNEYfirstname.lastname@example.org
So Thanksgiving is here again, but it’s not always easy to get into the spirit of the holiday. So many of us, after all, tend to dwell on the negative and overlook all the things for which we should be grateful.
That’s where TV comes in. Spend a few hours gazing at the screen, and you’ll start to realize just how good you have it.
Example: You might bemoan the fact that you have to share your Turkey Day festivities with some obnoxious family members. But that’s not nearly as miserable as spending an entire summer cooped up like a lab rat with the idiotic and repulsive drones of “Big Brother.”
There. Don’t you feel better already? TV helps to put everything in perspective.
If you’re still not convinced, I urge you to participate in my little self-help exercise. Now, grab your remote, toss another candied yam down your gullet and repeat after me:
I have reason to be extra thankful because …
- I am not required to share my turkey and stuffing with the piggish Peter Griffin of “Family Guy.” (Or that big dude on “Mike & Molly.”)
- No one is forcing me, at this moment, to be “Naked and Afraid.”
- I don’t have “19 Kids and Counting.”
- Gemma Teller, the self-absorbed, coldhearted, manipulative, murderous woman at the heart of “Sons of Anarchy” is not my mother.
- Rowan Pope, the self-absorbed, coldhearted, manipulative, murderous man on “Scandal” is not my father.
- I don’t live in the grimy, crime-ridden cesspool known as Gotham.
- I am not the meat-headed Fox programming executive who gave the green light to “Utopia.”
- My television set no longer carries the hideous stench of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
- I am not enrolled in any college course taught by Annalise Keating.
- Even in my worst physical state (and/or sans makeup), I have yet to be mistaken for a ghastly zombie on “The Walking Dead.”
- My daughter has never dated Don Draper.
- My brain, at this point in time, still contains considerably more active ingredients than the women they call “Real Housewives.”
- To the best of my knowledge, I am not on the Blacklist.
- Though I may have to loosen a few pants buttons after dinner, my belly will never be as bloated as the humongous balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade … or Bill O’Reilly’s ego.
- I am not, and never will be, a “Pretty Little Liar.”
- This is a free country, so I don’t really have to keep up with the Kardashians if I don’t want to.
- I have never been tortured by Jack Bauer.
- My parents didn’t name me SpongeBob SquarePants.
- I am not sharing an apartment with Sheldon Cooper of “The Big Bang Theory.”
- Most weddings I have attended over the years have had happier outcomes — and better security — than the ones on “Game of Thrones.”
- I have never been a patient at Seattle Grace.
- The long national nightmare known as “Glee” will come to a merciful end at some point next year.
- My life has never been the subject of an “E! True Hollywood Story.”
- I do not receive my mail at the Litchfield Correctional Facility.
- I am fairly certain that my car gets better gas mileage than the Tardis.
- I am not now, nor ever will be, a programmer for Bravo.
- Though my holiday visit with annoying and judgmental relatives might seem to go on forever, it will, in all likelihood, be shorter than a Ken Burns documentary.
- My house isn’t trapped under a dome.
If someone ever writes my biography, I am fairly confident that it won’t carry the title of “American Horror Story: Freak Show.”
- Nothing on my Thanksgiving dinner plate will be as disgusting as the gross, icky stuff they eat on “Survivor.”
- I am not a “Robot Chicken.”
- I don’t have to cook for all those picky folks on “Downton Abbey.”
- Sure, I may be desperate at times, but not quite desperate enough to binge-watch “Duck Dynasty.”
- I have never made a complete and utter fool of myself by trying to find a potential spouse over the course of 10 weeks on “The Bachelor.”
- I have yet to be caught by video cameras wearing only handcuffs and undies on an episode of “Cops.”
- I am not the publicist for Bill Cosby.